An open letter to studying

Dear studying,

It seems that our brief alliance with the common goal of defeating the math exam was.......beneficial. It pains me to admit it. This changes my whole theory on school and indeed on life. Who would have thought that seeing something repetitively would allow one to remember it more easily in the future; it's just crazy what people will think up. You have to understand that I have hated and avoided you for so long. And it is because of my hate that this letter is so hard for me to write. So it is at this juncture that I have to ask myself 'Is the enemy of my enemy, my friend'? Okay, well maybe not my friend, I mean were not going to hang out on Friday nights and don't even think for a second that I'm going to introduce you to my friends. So don't go leaving your nerd group of friends, 'Notes' and 'Paying Attention in Class' because you think you are too cool for them now. If, I call you to come over, and this is a big if, it will just be the two of us and it will not be for very long. I am a busy man with a reputation to upkeep and I can't be seen with the likes of you.

I can practically smell the arrogance building inside you as you read this. If I hear that you've been telling people that the two of us are ....ugh...cooperating, I will deny it and you will never see me again. Remember this is me doing you a favor and NOT the other way around.

So in the end I don't know why I even ever started hating you in the first place and I don't really care. But if it helps...

...you can blame it on the public school system.

Sincerely,

Paul Myers

An open letter to the math exam.

Dear math exam,

A storm is coming for you, and that storm is me. You stand there, proud of your difficulty, full of equations that I don't remember learning. But I assure you that you are messing with the wrong guy. You think you scare me? You think I'll choke? You are wrong! I will attack you like a Grizzly Bear....doing a math test. So on Wednesday morning when you say goodbye to your wife, you had better hug her tight and make it count, because like a storm on the horizon, I will be there sooner than you think.

I need to tell you only one more thing. I will bring my pencil and calculator to the exam but, I will bring one more thing...



I WILL BRING THE PAIN!



Sincerely,

-Paul (the math test destroyer)

An open letter to my hard drive.

Dear hard drive,

As your owner I feel it is time for the two of us to have a little chat about your performance lately. Now don't go acting like you weren't expecting it because it's obvious that this was going to happen.

I want to start off by saying that I love you and you are a valued part of the computer. Having said that I need to tell you that I am disappointed in your actions and the only reason I am writing you is to help you get back on track. With that in mind please take the following as constructive criticism.

I guess this whole thing stems from the other day when I found you, crashed, in the computer case. Now, I like to think that I am a modern computer user; I turn you off at night, I defragment you regularly, and I give you as much RAM as I can afford. I thought we were doing well together. I just hope you know that all those times I reformatted you it was for your own good. Back when I bought you, you were such a little spark plug, so fast to retrieve data, and barely a peep out of you. I just don't know where I went wrong. Maybe it's those other computers that I've seen you networking with. Is it that Mac down the hall? Are you holding viruses for the other hard drives? You know that doesn't make you "cool". They won't respect you for it!... Sorry that's not constructive.

Just please boot up so we can talk about this. Remember, you are my hard drive and I am not giving up on you...

...until the Future Shop has another sale.

sincerely,

-Paul

an open letter to chocolate milk

Dear chocolate milk,

I don't know if you are aware of this, but you are delicious. If I could have only one drink for the rest of my life it would be you.

I know that your sugar content is higher than plain milk and drinking too much of you is bad for me, but I want you to know that I don't blame you. I wouldn't change you one bit. You are one of the most versatile beverages I know of. You can go with a meal, substitute a meal, or be a tasty snack. I know that we've had some rough patches in our relationship, like that week I decided to drink only water, but I've realized the error of my ways and I am sorry. You may have seen me in the past flirting with orange juice or even kool-aid but you need to know that they meant nothing to me. If it makes you feel better I was thinking about you the whole time I was with orange juice, and kool-aid tricked me into drinking it.

Finally I want to tell you something that I was debating bringing up. Last night I had a milkshake. It was a bad decision and I am sorry.

If you are wondering, I was safe, I used a straw but I still feel dirty. I am so sorry and if you will take me back I will be forever faithful.

Please forgive me.

sincerely,

-Paul