An open letter(from my heart) to my frontal lobe

Hey Lobe,

I just wanted to drop you a line to ask how things are going for you these days. Is there anything I can do to make your stay in the skull a bit more comfortable?

Okay, I know there are things I could do to make you more comfortable but I am just not willing to do them, and for this I apologize. I know our history has been a spotty one and that at times you are not my biggest fan, but we share this body and I think it is time for us to start getting along.

To a casual observer it would seem that lately I have been running the show and putting you in the passenger seat. But god dammit, you are a hell of a back seat driver! Your logic is truthfully undeniable and I am surely no match for your convictions. So I guess this letter is more of a plea to your mercy.

I hope that you can understand that in order for this body to function, we need to both work in cooperation. And I am willing to let you take the reins, but I must ask you not to interfere with my matters any more. In truth, you are infecting me. Your logic, fixations, and facts are things that a heart can not take.

Hopefully all of this computes as I've tried not to be to emotional. But if you take nothing else from this letter let it be that without me you would have no purpose and without you, I would have no way to express myself. In short, we need each other.

looking forward to future collaboration,

The Heart

An open letter to Food.

Dear food,

As you may already know we have been having a hard time getting together as of late. Or at least, I have been having a hard time getting one on one time with you. Perhaps our schedules are out of sync, or maybe you're just avoiding me. In which case I would not blame you.

It's not your fault, you are the food and I am the man. I should be able to just walk up to you and ask you out for lunch; it's simple!

So I guess the problem is me, it always has been. I think that I am afraid because I don't want to scare you away. But that needs to change because I am tired of just letting things happen. I need to take control.

In case you were wondering, I really do like you. And some day I will man up and make something happen between us because that is what I really want to do... Wait, what was I talking about... Right, food.

I'm hungry.

Sincerely,

-Paul Myers

An open letter to studying

Dear studying,

It seems that our brief alliance with the common goal of defeating the math exam was.......beneficial. It pains me to admit it. This changes my whole theory on school and indeed on life. Who would have thought that seeing something repetitively would allow one to remember it more easily in the future; it's just crazy what people will think up. You have to understand that I have hated and avoided you for so long. And it is because of my hate that this letter is so hard for me to write. So it is at this juncture that I have to ask myself 'Is the enemy of my enemy, my friend'? Okay, well maybe not my friend, I mean were not going to hang out on Friday nights and don't even think for a second that I'm going to introduce you to my friends. So don't go leaving your nerd group of friends, 'Notes' and 'Paying Attention in Class' because you think you are too cool for them now. If, I call you to come over, and this is a big if, it will just be the two of us and it will not be for very long. I am a busy man with a reputation to upkeep and I can't be seen with the likes of you.

I can practically smell the arrogance building inside you as you read this. If I hear that you've been telling people that the two of us are ....ugh...cooperating, I will deny it and you will never see me again. Remember this is me doing you a favor and NOT the other way around.

So in the end I don't know why I even ever started hating you in the first place and I don't really care. But if it helps...

...you can blame it on the public school system.

Sincerely,

Paul Myers

An open letter to the math exam.

Dear math exam,

A storm is coming for you, and that storm is me. You stand there, proud of your difficulty, full of equations that I don't remember learning. But I assure you that you are messing with the wrong guy. You think you scare me? You think I'll choke? You are wrong! I will attack you like a Grizzly Bear....doing a math test. So on Wednesday morning when you say goodbye to your wife, you had better hug her tight and make it count, because like a storm on the horizon, I will be there sooner than you think.

I need to tell you only one more thing. I will bring my pencil and calculator to the exam but, I will bring one more thing...



I WILL BRING THE PAIN!



Sincerely,

-Paul (the math test destroyer)

An open letter to my hard drive.

Dear hard drive,

As your owner I feel it is time for the two of us to have a little chat about your performance lately. Now don't go acting like you weren't expecting it because it's obvious that this was going to happen.

I want to start off by saying that I love you and you are a valued part of the computer. Having said that I need to tell you that I am disappointed in your actions and the only reason I am writing you is to help you get back on track. With that in mind please take the following as constructive criticism.

I guess this whole thing stems from the other day when I found you, crashed, in the computer case. Now, I like to think that I am a modern computer user; I turn you off at night, I defragment you regularly, and I give you as much RAM as I can afford. I thought we were doing well together. I just hope you know that all those times I reformatted you it was for your own good. Back when I bought you, you were such a little spark plug, so fast to retrieve data, and barely a peep out of you. I just don't know where I went wrong. Maybe it's those other computers that I've seen you networking with. Is it that Mac down the hall? Are you holding viruses for the other hard drives? You know that doesn't make you "cool". They won't respect you for it!... Sorry that's not constructive.

Just please boot up so we can talk about this. Remember, you are my hard drive and I am not giving up on you...

...until the Future Shop has another sale.

sincerely,

-Paul